I Had Some Dreams...They Were Clouds in my Coffee

I am a creature of habit... and borderline addiction, so it goes without saying that I begin every morning with a cup of Joe to get my eyes a blinkin' and my err other things that may or may not rhyme with "vowels" a movin'.  This is a practice so closely followed in my home that it's become borderline dogma.  We have this schmancy fancy pants "coffee system" that we received as a wedding gift years back.  It's a one cup pod model that does every thing short of raise your kids and wash your dog...but I digress.

My husband detested coffee until it became a necessary evil in law school and he refuses to add any accoutrement for reasons I still don't understand.  In my case, however, coffee is nothing more than a vehicle for dairy and legal addictive stimulants (as are all good things in life when you really think about it).  So you can imagine how it tickles me pink when a novelty creamer flavor arrives all sparkley and new under the refrigerated dairy case lights, promising peaceful mornings and sweet sweet dairy satisfaction.

Remember when Coffee-Mate had two sad little flavors, Original or French Vanilla and it only came in that icky powder that never actually fully dissolved in your coffee?  Original always puzzled me, I mean why not just call it "Cream" what exactly is so original about non-flavored flavored creamer?  But again I digress.  Long gone are the days of easy decisions in the dairy aisle.  Now Coffee-Mate offers 28 count them 28 different little bottles of creamy goodness.  I challenge you to find a creamer mecca that sells all 28 flavors (and if you do, please oh please share with the group) but I am fairly satisfied with my local market's selection...that was until the Great Holiday Creamer Upset of 2010 occurred.

I LOVE trying new flavors, and am ever so delighted when the limited-time-only seasonal line appears.  So excited that just this last week I decided to tempt the fates and skip over the Fall flavors for a brand spanking new, never before tasted, Christmas flavor...

This is the evil doer:

I know what you're thinking..."Sugar & Spice" and everything nice...that's what great coffee is made of.  Look at the little sugar cookies decorated so delightfully in royal icing and silver dragees.  There are cinnamon sticks and star anise on the packaging for crying out loud.  How on earth could we go wrong here?  But it did...it went so very very wrong.  So wrong that the coffee-mate website http://www.coffee-mate.com/default.aspx doesn't even acknowledge this flavor at all.  (In a related topic, I must say it's a snazzy little website Coffee-mate has going, complete with recipes, you should check it out, just skip this particular flavor all together.)
Have you ever put star anise in anything?  How about a cinnamon stick?  Ever left it in said thing too long?  It's disastrous people.  Tree bark does not take kindly to amateur hands.  You have to know exactly when steeping over-steps its boundaries and becomes insidious soaking.

I was so excited to try this puppy that I raced home from the market and brewed a cup of decaf lickety split.  I'll leave you with the first thought that raced through my mind...

Did I just drink tree?

Avast me hearties! This here be a recipe to send scurvy to Davy Jones' locker.

In honor of National Talk Like a Pirate Day, I thought I'd share with you one of the most delicious quick bread recipes in all the high seas. But first a word from our sponser:

Aunt Judy is the "tallest" pictured
the rest are under the age of six.

 My dear Aunt Judy is the mistress of quick breads and has been delighting our family with a plethora of options for as long as I can remember.  As children we knew that once we'd surpassed Aunt Judy's height (a mere 4 foot and some change, see picture for height reference) we could graduate to the adult table at family gatherings.  I'd like to think that until you've mastered Aunt Judy's quick breads you can't graduate into full on foodie.

This particular recipe is perfect for you pirates and the reason is threefold:

1. Portability; it's a quick bread, no refrigeration required and easily wrapped in butchers' paper.  Perfect for all your swashbuckling adventures.

2. Vitamin C; this recipe calls for orange juice, an antidote to the dreaded scurvy.

3. Poppy Seeds; medicinally said to help ease tooth ache, which you may need mates (see reason number 2).

And so please enjoy this recipe that just may have you yelling "Shiver me timbers!"

Aunt Judy's Poppy Seed Bread

What you'll need:

For the bread:

3 c. flour

2 ¼ c. sugar

1 tsp. salt

1 ½ tsp. baking powder

1 ½ c. milk

1 1/8 c. oil

3 eggs

1 ½ tbl. Poppy seed

1 ½ tsp. vanilla extract

1 ½ tsp. butter extract

1 ½ tsp. almond extract

For the glaze:

¾ c. sugar

¼ c. orange juice

½ tsp. vanilla extract

½ tsp. butter extract

½ tsp. almond extract

What to do:

For the bread:

Preheat oven to 350.  

Grease and flower loaf pans.  Sift into a large bowl the flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder.  Whisk in milk, oil, eggs, poppy seeds, and extracts until just combined.  I prefer to whisk by hand rather than in a mixer, over whisking will develop gluten making a tougher bread.  

Bake for 50-60 minutes (you are looking for golden brown and delicious with a clean toothpick test).

For the glaze:

While baking combine all glaze ingredients in a small sauce pot.  Heat glaze over low heat until dissolved and combined.  Once your bread is finished baking remove from the oven and pour glaze over bread and let stand for 10 minutes.  Then turn out and continue to cool on wire rack. 

This yields two loaves which is absolutely perfect.  You'll want to devour the first one on site, but the second loaf will freeze beautifully.  Cool completely and then wrap in butcher's paper.  This will easily keep for three months if packaged properly.  Just set it out on your counter overnight to thaw and you'll have the most delicious breakfast awaiting you when you rise.  

Recipe Friday...Tuesday edition

Ok, I know what you're thinking...don't tease me with a recipe thereby tricking my internal clock into thinking the workweek is finally over.  Sorry folks, it's Tuesday.  On the flip side you are going to love this recipe so much you'll hardly care that you have 72 more hours until the weekend...it's that good!

So why, pray-tell, you ask, have I been blessed with this early edition Recipe Friday?  Well friends because Fall is upon us and it's making me giddy with delight and visions of large batch soups and stews (perfect for the freezer, take note you busy workin' folks).  We've had the most perfectly lovely weather lately that I wanted to share this recipe early so you could procure all the necessary ingredients by the weekend, because ground lamb isn't the easiest thing to find, but it's oh so worth the hunt (no you don't actually have to hunt the lamb...it's a figure of speech people).

This recipe hails from Finland, and although I am entirely unfamiliar with what exactly the good people of Finland have contributed to this earth, (I'm sure there are plenty of spectacularly diplomatic things, I just skipped that class in college) even if they only invented this soup, it would be enough to pledge my allegiance to the Finnish flag.  I will admit, this shopping list alone doesn't exactly scream "best soup ever" but trust me this is bowl-licking-good soup.

Finnish Style Cabbage Soup

What you'll need: 

6 oz bacon, minced
9 oz ground lamb
3 oz onion, julienned
3/4 pound cabbage, chiffonade
1 1/2 oz celery, finely chopped
1 1/2 oz carrots, finely chopped
1 1/2 oz turnip, finely chopped
3/4 oz garlic, minced
3/4 tsp cracked black pepper
Salt, to taste
3 oz tomato, concasse and diced
48 oz chicken broth
dill, as needed for garnish (but it's not just pretty, it's for flavor too, so don't skip it!)
sour cream, as needed for garnish (see: dill explanation)

What to do:

Heat a large pot over medium heat and add the bacon.  Cook until the fat has rendered about half way and then add the ground lamb and onion.  Continue to cook until well browned.  Add the cabbage, celery, carrots, turnip, garlic, salt and pepper. Sauté until the cabbage has softened, but do not brown the vegetables (we want the caramelized flavor to come from the meat but the veggies to remain uninhibited, free to let their fall veggie flags fly).  Add the tomatoes* and the broth and bring to a simmer (a simmer people, NOT a boil, we don't want to cook the ever living flavor out of these veggies) and cook slowly until the veggies are tender, approximately 30 minutes.  And there you have it...it's that simple...and it's somewhere in that simplicity that I fell in love with this soup and you will too.  I'm not sure really when the lovely people of Finland partake in this soup (a lot I would imagine, as the few facts that I actually know about Finland involve its flag, which is blue with a white cross, the white of course representing all the snow) but I think it's perfect for the Fall.  It's not really hardy enough to be a rib-sticking Winter soup, but just as you begin to feel the dependable chill of September air roll in, that's the exact moment you want to have a steamy bowl of this soup in your lap (well not in your lap, but in a bowl ON your lap as you enjoy one of the last outdoor meals before Fall officially descends).

*And now a word about concasse:
Concasse is a French technique for getting all the guts and skin and seedy bits out of a tomato so that you are left only with plump tomatoey flesh.  It requires you to cut out the core end, score the other end, blanch, shock, squeeze, and peel.  In my personal opinion this is a whole lot of rigamarole for purely aesthetic purposes.  If you don't mind seeing more tomato parts in your soup, then I say skip this fussy step and just dice the stinking tomato, trust me Finland won't mind

Why I heart Jimmy Fallon, Modern Family, and George Clooney

Oh Emmy's how I wait for you all year long...maybe not with quite as much anticipation as the Tony's or let's be honest the booze-laden anything goes Golden Globes.  But you are always a bright spot in a mid-west summer that has gone on far too long leaving me grumpy and sweaty.  And you delivered again, as if there were any doubt (ok there may have been some doubt, I mean we are dealing with the same telecast that had the tragic co-hosting of Tom Bergeron, Heidi Klum, Howie Mandel, Jeff Probst, and Ryan Seacrest just a mere two years ago, and then there was the '97 show with Bryant Gumbel...really Academy...Bryant Gumbel?!?). 

First and foremost Jimmy Fallon was right.  He warned me on multiple occasions that trying to DVR the telecast could be hazardous to my health.  He urged not to attempt it or my DVR would wind up in a fiery ball of smoke and melty plastic.  Alas I did not head his warning.  I fancy myself something of a DVR master...I wear the remote control pants in this house (that actually doesn't make a lick of sense, but you know exactly what I mean).  I'm like the Obi Wan of DVR logistics..."these are not the shows you're looking for"  (sorry I couldn't resist!).  Well I think you all know where this is going.  Cut to 8:00 after a lovely dinner with friends and much to my surprise NO RED RECORDING LIGHT!  I'd inadvertently missed the opening number and most of the awards for Comedy.  Oh the horror.  So if you, like me, foolishly relied on your DVR and it failed you in a big way (or you're just really curious about my favorite bits) then without further ado I present to you the parts I had to youtube-that I wished I'd seen in real time-but still made me chuckle out of context the day afterward-and you should too-clips!


First there was this:
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"Great I'm just workin on some sweet new dance moves with my new dance coach."

"Alright, now back that mother up!"

Could I possibly love Jon Hamm anymore?  Answer: un-possible!

Could Betty White BE any hotter right now?  Answer: ride that gravy train all the way to the bank Betty!

I'd like to personally thank Jimmy Fallon for the cameo appearance of one yummy Joel McHale...call me!

And then there was this:

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One word: intra-network-cross-polini-cynergism

On a side note, every time I see George Clooney here is the immediate thought that pops into my mind: I bet he smells so good!

Lastly an in memoriam bit only Jimmy Fallon could pull off:

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Ok, so there were some flops...the tweet generated intros didn't all work, Matthew Weiner was abruptly played off to cut to a commercial, Conan O'Brian was robbed of a very awkward acceptance speech, and much to the chagrin of men every where the cameras never panned to Heidi Klum sitting in her micro-mini and Christina Hendrickson did NOT have a wardrobe malfunction (but boy oh boy...June was bustin' out all over!).  

All in all I'd say it was one of the more entertaining Emmy's in the recent past.  Ricky Gervais even passed out booze to the crowd and Top Chef was finally rewarded for its awesome season in Vegas.  The Academy gave us two, count them two, opportunities to drool over George Clooney, and Modern Family won for Best Comedy (sorry Gleeks, but this show is seriously hilarious...if you don't watch you should start Wed. Sept. 22 on ABC...you can thank me later).  

Let me know what you thought of the show in the comments.  

Teaching an Old Dog

I'd like to say that although my husband came packaged with a myriad of fun accessories like witty banter, great hugs, and a soft spot for all things furry, he did not come fully equipped with the ability to cook.  As he likes to say "I can't cook but I can follow directions".  So I was particularly surprised when he offered to cook our anniversary dinner a few weeks ago.  First things first I checked the interwebs to make sure the traditional fourth year anniversary gift was not a kitchen fire (it's fruit and flowers for those of you wondering). I offered my help with this adventure but was only allowed to pick a recipe.  Oh the pressure was on.  To date, my husband was a one trick pony, if he ever offered to cook, I knew I was getting his "you won't be single for very long penne alla vodka" so imagine my surprise when he wanted me to pick a new recipe!  At last...he was adding to his arsenal.  I knew I had to keep it rather simple, just a handful of high impact ingredients, nothing fussy, and nothing that required too much knife work.  What follows is the recipe that he successfully pulled off with ease.  Please enjoy!

Creamy Fresh Pasta with Crab, Artichokes, and Mint

This is a great recipe for a busy weeknight because it has all of 5 count them 5 main ingredients, but it's elegant enough for a Sunday dinner.  I take major shortcuts with canned ingredients, but fresh pasta and mint make this dish seem like you slaved all day.  Bonus; the fresh pasta cooks in a matter of minutes so no excuses, you can feed your family swiftly and with relative ease.  So put down the phone, you won't need to order pizza tonight.  This dish easily serves a family of four especially if you add a lovely salad and some crusty bread.

What you'll need:


Kosh salt (enough to make your pasta water taste like the sea)
1 pound fresh pasta (I prefer pappardelle, but fettuccine works just as well)

4 Tbl unsalted butter (that's 1/2 a stick)
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 can (16 oz) artichokes, drained, rinsed, and halved
1 lemon zested and juiced
Pinch of red pepper flakes
8 oz lump crabmeat (you can spring for the expensive stuff but the canned version ala chicken of the sea works just as well)
3 oz herbed goat cheese (like chevre) crumbled
Freshly ground black pepper, to taste
Salt, to taste
Handful of fresh mint leaves, chopped
3/4 cup freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese, plus extra for serving

What to do:


Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil.  Don't add your pasta just yet.  We are seriously talking three minutes cooking time max so you'll want to start the sauce in the meantime.  Make sure you have all your ingredients preped and ready to go before you begin, once this train leaves the station you're riding it to the end of the line...no stops!

Combine the butter and olive oil in a medium skillet over medium heat.  Place pasta in boiling water and cook to package instructions.  During the cooking process scoop out 1 cup of the pasta water and add to skillet allowing the liquid to reduce around five minutes.  Don't expect the liquid to thicken a great deal, what you are making is the beginning of a burro fuso which is basically a buttery glaze for pasta made with starchy pasta water, butter, and cheese.  (A burro fuso is a great way to make a light sauce for any pasta, if you are feeling adventurous you can try all sorts of combinations like tortellini with peas and prosciutto or pumpkin ravioli with sage and guanciale.)  Once your pasta is cooked through, drain and place in a large bowl.  You can cover it with a tea towel to keep it nice and hot while the sauce is finishing.  If you are concerned about all that beautiful pasta sticking together in one large Medusa-like mass just toss it with a bit of olive oil, problem solved.  Once the liquid in the skillet has reduced add the artichokes, lemon zest, red pepper flakes, crabmeat, salt and pepper and toss to warm everything through. Remove from heat and pour over noodles and toss to combine.  Add goat cheese, mint, and Parmigiano and season with more black pepper.  Toss to combine.  The residual heat will make the cheeses melt ever so slightly and heat the mint up allowing it to release some pretty potent essential oils.  I typically toss this pasta together with my nose held very close to the bowl...it's really a smell you can't resist!  Squeeze a bit of the lemon juice over the top, just enough to brighten the flavors and really make it sing.  This is where the important task of tasting before you serve comes along.  Think it needs more acid?  Squeeze a bit more lemon.  Not peppery enough?  Well grind away.  Need a bit more saltiness?  Sprinkle more Parmigiano on top.  Just be sure to really toss well before serving, the artichoke and crab tend to slither to the bottom of the bowl and those are two major ingredients you don't want to miss out on.  This is really a no fail recipe, packed with flavor, ready in a jiffy, and easy enough for even a novice cook to master.

This recipe adapted from Tyler's Ultimate, Tyler Florence

It's Obsession Tuesday

I am food OBSESSED...this should not surprise anyone.  For the last three years I've risen every morning craving a spicy tuna handroll from here http://www.chibarstl.com/ (if you are ever in the area do not pass go, do not collect your $200, head straight here!)  Maybe it's the Scorpio in me, but I find myself getting wrapped around the axel about the most banal foodstuff.  Throw in a new product...and yowzah, I'm sold!  So every Tuesday I'll happily be sharing what I'm obsessed with in the world today, mostly food related, with perhaps a few extras thrown in for good measure.  And so without further ado I present to you:

What, you've never heard of Archer Farms?  Well allow me to enlighten you young jedi.  Archer Farms is a private label food brand brought to you by Target.  I had the pleasure of visiting a Target Megastore in Saint Paul, Minnesota over a friend's wedding weekend, and you would have thought I'd died and gone to heaven.  My husband was mortally embarrassed to be seen with me, squealing down the aisles, skipping and clapping like a 13 year old girl afflicted with Bieber fever.  People they sell everything here...you can buy a toothbrush, motor oil, and a porterhouse (yes they have a meat counter).  Now I know this sounds an awful lot like a Super Wal-mart, and truthfully it is, but it's Target people...is there really anything to argue about in this case.  But I digress.  Even if you aren't lucky enough to have one of these shopping meccas in your area, chances are your local Target is stocked with plenty of Archer Farms bounty, and much of the brand is worth a shot (skip the Macaroni and Cheese flavored potato chips, big disappointment) particularly the Sweet Cajun Trail Mix.  In fact Archer Farms has many an intriguing trail mix blend, but if you want a sure bet, go with this flavor combo.  You can't go wrong, it has butter toffee peanuts, spicy peanuts, toasted corn, honey sesame sticks, Cajun sesame sticks, and almonds!  It's the most remarkable combination of salty and sweet, and I'm warning you now, it's mucho addictivo!  I bought the biggest jar they had and nearly scarfed my body weight down in one setting...so don't say you haven't been warned when your significant other finds you in a food coma on the couch with little bits of toasted corn peppering your chest.  

"It's a bad thing" or how I came to loathe Martha Stewart

Last night in a strange twist of fate my husband decided to cook Sunday dinner.  Truthfully I was the slightest bit worried that this endeavor may end in the emergency room, but he was pretty insistent on taking the reins.  So against my better judgement I relinquished control over my command center, or as normal people call it, the kitchen.  Follow up on what he cooked on Recipe Friday!

In the meantime please allow me to entertain you with how I played sous chef for the evening that ended like this:

So as my husband was getting together his mis en place...I know, I've taught him well...I was helping to slather a crusty herbed baguette with some melted butter and then planned to smother it in cheese.  I lobbed off a sizable chunk of butter and grabbed the nearest dish to zap it in the microwave...a dish that would forever change the fate of Sunday Dinner...a seemingly harmless dish that looked like this...

duh duh duh...

These little babies are from the Martha Stewart collection at Macy's.  I received them as a somewhat uninspired Valentine's Day gift along with a turkey baster...hey I never said my husband was the romantic sort.  I have used these little prep bowls and their larger cousin nesting bowls countless times for food prep.  I have not however EVER popped one of these suckers into the microwave up until last evening.  I'm not sure what possessed me to do it.  Maybe I was in a tailspin watching my mighty kitchen fall to the seemingly effortless powers of Husband the Conquerer, maybe it was the three glasses of champagne I'd imbibed while waiting for dinner, either way I wasn't thinking straight...and that my friends was the beginning of the end.

You see these little Martha Stewart bowls are made of melamine, a super duper durable plastic that is wonderful for clumsy people like me.  Not so great in the microwave...BECAUSE IT TURNS TO NAPALM!  My glob of butter and said fire bowl were only in the microwave for 60 seconds, count it, 60 seconds.  I naturally reached in the micro bare handed to grab the bowl when much to my chagrin my right hand ring finger firmly adhered to the side of the bowl.. I quickly set the bowl on the countertop and peeled my finger away leaving in it's wake a large purple welt were a once perfectly normal fingerprint had been.  Ok maybe I'm slightly exaggerating...but seriously people DO NOT...I repeat...DO NOT...microwave melamine.  Save yourself the trouble and learn from my mistake.

But this isn't where our story ends, oh no, there is so much more that Martha Stewart has to pay for.  I get burned professionally.  If this domestic goddess wants to take me down she's gonna have to come at me with everything she's got...oh and she did...

Now don't be fooled by her squeaky clean "it's a good thing" exterior, because when you least expect it under the guise of helpfulness she will destroy your sink!  It's true, scout's honor!  After I was finished with the death bowl I went to rinse it off in the sink before sending it to the dishwasher, and that's when it all went terribly wrong.  The bowl slipped from my hand and in an instant had firmly lodged itself smack dab in the middle of my drain.  Oh Martha, how clever you are making a product the exact size as a standard drain.  Where is your research and development team Martha...are they too busy mining their own salts for a lavender scented bath scrub to pay attention to such a crucial detail?!?!  

I tried with all my might to release the bowl of doom from my sink and with every attempt it just lodged itself further into the drain.  I tried a pairing knife to pry it free...no luck.  I tried boiling hot soapy water to perhaps slip it loose...to no avail.  I tried banging on the underside of my sink with some extreme brute force...nothing.  I schlepped out a toilet plunger to suck it out...for pete sake this darn thing was stuck.  The only option at this point was to take apart the garbage disposal to release it from within.  So that is exactly what my husband did after our delicious meal.  There was a veritable deluge of water and a lot of grunting.  But within a few moments the bowl was freed and my husband stood up hands on hips, in what I can only describe as his superman pose, with a really broad grin, and said "that's right...whose your big strong man?"  

And so Martha, although I would like to thank you for the chuckle at my husband's remarks, I'd really prefer to send you a bill for the hour of my life I spent waging war against your domestic empire of destruction.  Oh and you owe me a paella pan...because as you can see from the picture Martha, my husband decided to use it as a water bucket.