Why I heart Jimmy Fallon, Modern Family, and George Clooney

Oh Emmy's how I wait for you all year long...maybe not with quite as much anticipation as the Tony's or let's be honest the booze-laden anything goes Golden Globes.  But you are always a bright spot in a mid-west summer that has gone on far too long leaving me grumpy and sweaty.  And you delivered again, as if there were any doubt (ok there may have been some doubt, I mean we are dealing with the same telecast that had the tragic co-hosting of Tom Bergeron, Heidi Klum, Howie Mandel, Jeff Probst, and Ryan Seacrest just a mere two years ago, and then there was the '97 show with Bryant Gumbel...really Academy...Bryant Gumbel?!?). 

First and foremost Jimmy Fallon was right.  He warned me on multiple occasions that trying to DVR the telecast could be hazardous to my health.  He urged not to attempt it or my DVR would wind up in a fiery ball of smoke and melty plastic.  Alas I did not head his warning.  I fancy myself something of a DVR master...I wear the remote control pants in this house (that actually doesn't make a lick of sense, but you know exactly what I mean).  I'm like the Obi Wan of DVR logistics..."these are not the shows you're looking for"  (sorry I couldn't resist!).  Well I think you all know where this is going.  Cut to 8:00 after a lovely dinner with friends and much to my surprise NO RED RECORDING LIGHT!  I'd inadvertently missed the opening number and most of the awards for Comedy.  Oh the horror.  So if you, like me, foolishly relied on your DVR and it failed you in a big way (or you're just really curious about my favorite bits) then without further ado I present to you the parts I had to youtube-that I wished I'd seen in real time-but still made me chuckle out of context the day afterward-and you should too-clips!


First there was this:
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"Great I'm just workin on some sweet new dance moves with my new dance coach."

"Alright, now back that mother up!"

Could I possibly love Jon Hamm anymore?  Answer: un-possible!

Could Betty White BE any hotter right now?  Answer: ride that gravy train all the way to the bank Betty!

I'd like to personally thank Jimmy Fallon for the cameo appearance of one yummy Joel McHale...call me!

And then there was this:

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One word: intra-network-cross-polini-cynergism

On a side note, every time I see George Clooney here is the immediate thought that pops into my mind: I bet he smells so good!

Lastly an in memoriam bit only Jimmy Fallon could pull off:

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Ok, so there were some flops...the tweet generated intros didn't all work, Matthew Weiner was abruptly played off to cut to a commercial, Conan O'Brian was robbed of a very awkward acceptance speech, and much to the chagrin of men every where the cameras never panned to Heidi Klum sitting in her micro-mini and Christina Hendrickson did NOT have a wardrobe malfunction (but boy oh boy...June was bustin' out all over!).  

All in all I'd say it was one of the more entertaining Emmy's in the recent past.  Ricky Gervais even passed out booze to the crowd and Top Chef was finally rewarded for its awesome season in Vegas.  The Academy gave us two, count them two, opportunities to drool over George Clooney, and Modern Family won for Best Comedy (sorry Gleeks, but this show is seriously hilarious...if you don't watch you should start Wed. Sept. 22 on ABC...you can thank me later).  

Let me know what you thought of the show in the comments.  

Teaching an Old Dog

I'd like to say that although my husband came packaged with a myriad of fun accessories like witty banter, great hugs, and a soft spot for all things furry, he did not come fully equipped with the ability to cook.  As he likes to say "I can't cook but I can follow directions".  So I was particularly surprised when he offered to cook our anniversary dinner a few weeks ago.  First things first I checked the interwebs to make sure the traditional fourth year anniversary gift was not a kitchen fire (it's fruit and flowers for those of you wondering). I offered my help with this adventure but was only allowed to pick a recipe.  Oh the pressure was on.  To date, my husband was a one trick pony, if he ever offered to cook, I knew I was getting his "you won't be single for very long penne alla vodka" so imagine my surprise when he wanted me to pick a new recipe!  At last...he was adding to his arsenal.  I knew I had to keep it rather simple, just a handful of high impact ingredients, nothing fussy, and nothing that required too much knife work.  What follows is the recipe that he successfully pulled off with ease.  Please enjoy!

Creamy Fresh Pasta with Crab, Artichokes, and Mint

This is a great recipe for a busy weeknight because it has all of 5 count them 5 main ingredients, but it's elegant enough for a Sunday dinner.  I take major shortcuts with canned ingredients, but fresh pasta and mint make this dish seem like you slaved all day.  Bonus; the fresh pasta cooks in a matter of minutes so no excuses, you can feed your family swiftly and with relative ease.  So put down the phone, you won't need to order pizza tonight.  This dish easily serves a family of four especially if you add a lovely salad and some crusty bread.

What you'll need:


Kosh salt (enough to make your pasta water taste like the sea)
1 pound fresh pasta (I prefer pappardelle, but fettuccine works just as well)

4 Tbl unsalted butter (that's 1/2 a stick)
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 can (16 oz) artichokes, drained, rinsed, and halved
1 lemon zested and juiced
Pinch of red pepper flakes
8 oz lump crabmeat (you can spring for the expensive stuff but the canned version ala chicken of the sea works just as well)
3 oz herbed goat cheese (like chevre) crumbled
Freshly ground black pepper, to taste
Salt, to taste
Handful of fresh mint leaves, chopped
3/4 cup freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese, plus extra for serving

What to do:


Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil.  Don't add your pasta just yet.  We are seriously talking three minutes cooking time max so you'll want to start the sauce in the meantime.  Make sure you have all your ingredients preped and ready to go before you begin, once this train leaves the station you're riding it to the end of the line...no stops!

Combine the butter and olive oil in a medium skillet over medium heat.  Place pasta in boiling water and cook to package instructions.  During the cooking process scoop out 1 cup of the pasta water and add to skillet allowing the liquid to reduce around five minutes.  Don't expect the liquid to thicken a great deal, what you are making is the beginning of a burro fuso which is basically a buttery glaze for pasta made with starchy pasta water, butter, and cheese.  (A burro fuso is a great way to make a light sauce for any pasta, if you are feeling adventurous you can try all sorts of combinations like tortellini with peas and prosciutto or pumpkin ravioli with sage and guanciale.)  Once your pasta is cooked through, drain and place in a large bowl.  You can cover it with a tea towel to keep it nice and hot while the sauce is finishing.  If you are concerned about all that beautiful pasta sticking together in one large Medusa-like mass just toss it with a bit of olive oil, problem solved.  Once the liquid in the skillet has reduced add the artichokes, lemon zest, red pepper flakes, crabmeat, salt and pepper and toss to warm everything through. Remove from heat and pour over noodles and toss to combine.  Add goat cheese, mint, and Parmigiano and season with more black pepper.  Toss to combine.  The residual heat will make the cheeses melt ever so slightly and heat the mint up allowing it to release some pretty potent essential oils.  I typically toss this pasta together with my nose held very close to the bowl...it's really a smell you can't resist!  Squeeze a bit of the lemon juice over the top, just enough to brighten the flavors and really make it sing.  This is where the important task of tasting before you serve comes along.  Think it needs more acid?  Squeeze a bit more lemon.  Not peppery enough?  Well grind away.  Need a bit more saltiness?  Sprinkle more Parmigiano on top.  Just be sure to really toss well before serving, the artichoke and crab tend to slither to the bottom of the bowl and those are two major ingredients you don't want to miss out on.  This is really a no fail recipe, packed with flavor, ready in a jiffy, and easy enough for even a novice cook to master.

This recipe adapted from Tyler's Ultimate, Tyler Florence

It's Obsession Tuesday

I am food OBSESSED...this should not surprise anyone.  For the last three years I've risen every morning craving a spicy tuna handroll from here http://www.chibarstl.com/ (if you are ever in the area do not pass go, do not collect your $200, head straight here!)  Maybe it's the Scorpio in me, but I find myself getting wrapped around the axel about the most banal foodstuff.  Throw in a new product...and yowzah, I'm sold!  So every Tuesday I'll happily be sharing what I'm obsessed with in the world today, mostly food related, with perhaps a few extras thrown in for good measure.  And so without further ado I present to you:

What, you've never heard of Archer Farms?  Well allow me to enlighten you young jedi.  Archer Farms is a private label food brand brought to you by Target.  I had the pleasure of visiting a Target Megastore in Saint Paul, Minnesota over a friend's wedding weekend, and you would have thought I'd died and gone to heaven.  My husband was mortally embarrassed to be seen with me, squealing down the aisles, skipping and clapping like a 13 year old girl afflicted with Bieber fever.  People they sell everything here...you can buy a toothbrush, motor oil, and a porterhouse (yes they have a meat counter).  Now I know this sounds an awful lot like a Super Wal-mart, and truthfully it is, but it's Target people...is there really anything to argue about in this case.  But I digress.  Even if you aren't lucky enough to have one of these shopping meccas in your area, chances are your local Target is stocked with plenty of Archer Farms bounty, and much of the brand is worth a shot (skip the Macaroni and Cheese flavored potato chips, big disappointment) particularly the Sweet Cajun Trail Mix.  In fact Archer Farms has many an intriguing trail mix blend, but if you want a sure bet, go with this flavor combo.  You can't go wrong, it has butter toffee peanuts, spicy peanuts, toasted corn, honey sesame sticks, Cajun sesame sticks, and almonds!  It's the most remarkable combination of salty and sweet, and I'm warning you now, it's mucho addictivo!  I bought the biggest jar they had and nearly scarfed my body weight down in one setting...so don't say you haven't been warned when your significant other finds you in a food coma on the couch with little bits of toasted corn peppering your chest.  

"It's a bad thing" or how I came to loathe Martha Stewart

Last night in a strange twist of fate my husband decided to cook Sunday dinner.  Truthfully I was the slightest bit worried that this endeavor may end in the emergency room, but he was pretty insistent on taking the reins.  So against my better judgement I relinquished control over my command center, or as normal people call it, the kitchen.  Follow up on what he cooked on Recipe Friday!

In the meantime please allow me to entertain you with how I played sous chef for the evening that ended like this:

So as my husband was getting together his mis en place...I know, I've taught him well...I was helping to slather a crusty herbed baguette with some melted butter and then planned to smother it in cheese.  I lobbed off a sizable chunk of butter and grabbed the nearest dish to zap it in the microwave...a dish that would forever change the fate of Sunday Dinner...a seemingly harmless dish that looked like this...

duh duh duh...

These little babies are from the Martha Stewart collection at Macy's.  I received them as a somewhat uninspired Valentine's Day gift along with a turkey baster...hey I never said my husband was the romantic sort.  I have used these little prep bowls and their larger cousin nesting bowls countless times for food prep.  I have not however EVER popped one of these suckers into the microwave up until last evening.  I'm not sure what possessed me to do it.  Maybe I was in a tailspin watching my mighty kitchen fall to the seemingly effortless powers of Husband the Conquerer, maybe it was the three glasses of champagne I'd imbibed while waiting for dinner, either way I wasn't thinking straight...and that my friends was the beginning of the end.

You see these little Martha Stewart bowls are made of melamine, a super duper durable plastic that is wonderful for clumsy people like me.  Not so great in the microwave...BECAUSE IT TURNS TO NAPALM!  My glob of butter and said fire bowl were only in the microwave for 60 seconds, count it, 60 seconds.  I naturally reached in the micro bare handed to grab the bowl when much to my chagrin my right hand ring finger firmly adhered to the side of the bowl.. I quickly set the bowl on the countertop and peeled my finger away leaving in it's wake a large purple welt were a once perfectly normal fingerprint had been.  Ok maybe I'm slightly exaggerating...but seriously people DO NOT...I repeat...DO NOT...microwave melamine.  Save yourself the trouble and learn from my mistake.

But this isn't where our story ends, oh no, there is so much more that Martha Stewart has to pay for.  I get burned professionally.  If this domestic goddess wants to take me down she's gonna have to come at me with everything she's got...oh and she did...

Now don't be fooled by her squeaky clean "it's a good thing" exterior, because when you least expect it under the guise of helpfulness she will destroy your sink!  It's true, scout's honor!  After I was finished with the death bowl I went to rinse it off in the sink before sending it to the dishwasher, and that's when it all went terribly wrong.  The bowl slipped from my hand and in an instant had firmly lodged itself smack dab in the middle of my drain.  Oh Martha, how clever you are making a product the exact size as a standard drain.  Where is your research and development team Martha...are they too busy mining their own salts for a lavender scented bath scrub to pay attention to such a crucial detail?!?!  

I tried with all my might to release the bowl of doom from my sink and with every attempt it just lodged itself further into the drain.  I tried a pairing knife to pry it free...no luck.  I tried boiling hot soapy water to perhaps slip it loose...to no avail.  I tried banging on the underside of my sink with some extreme brute force...nothing.  I schlepped out a toilet plunger to suck it out...for pete sake this darn thing was stuck.  The only option at this point was to take apart the garbage disposal to release it from within.  So that is exactly what my husband did after our delicious meal.  There was a veritable deluge of water and a lot of grunting.  But within a few moments the bowl was freed and my husband stood up hands on hips, in what I can only describe as his superman pose, with a really broad grin, and said "that's right...whose your big strong man?"  

And so Martha, although I would like to thank you for the chuckle at my husband's remarks, I'd really prefer to send you a bill for the hour of my life I spent waging war against your domestic empire of destruction.  Oh and you owe me a paella pan...because as you can see from the picture Martha, my husband decided to use it as a water bucket.  

And Now...on with the Show!

It's Friday...and you know what that means...

No...what is wrong with you people?  Not all Fridays mean debauchery at a fevered Jersey Shore pitch.  It means...

It's Recipe Friday Y'All, and have I got a treat for you!

This is a MUST try while those summer berries are still juicy and plentiful (ten points extra if you pick your own).     If you are ever at a loss for what to bring to a summer soirée to impress those persnickety people who expect just because you went to culinary school that you can't run by the local bakery and pick up some cupcakes because FOR GOLL DARN SAKE YOU ARE BUSY TOO!  No...just me?  Well regardless you'll enjoy the ease of making these lovely tarts that look like a hassle, are really no fuss, and taste like a million bucks (come to think of it dirty money is an awful taste, but you know what I mean).


White Balsamic Cream Tartlettes with Summer Berries


There is something incredibly intriguing about this particular pastry cream, and the secret is... drum roll please...vinegar.  Now don't turn your nose up at this baby just yet.  For starters, we are talking about white balsamic vinegar, a sister to the dark and brooding traditional balsamic.  Secondly, it's common practice in all those fancy schmancy restaurants to reduce said brother balsamic into a thick lacquer like syrup, add a bit of sugar, and voila, a lip smackingly sweet and tart gastrique.  It's perfect for decorating the newest abstract dish and allowing the Chef to tack on a five dollar up charge.  Now imagine doing the same thing with a slightly lighter sweeter version of balsamic and you have what contributes to that "oh my goodness what is that almost imperceptible delicious sensation lingering in the back of my throat" moment (and yes that's the technical term).

What you'll need:

For the crust:
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
6 Tbl sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup chilled unsalted butter (that's 2 sticks if you aren't inclined to measure, cut into 1/2 inch cubes)
2 large egg yolks
2 Tbl whipping cream

For the pastry cream:
1/2  cup whipping cream
2 Tbl cornstarch
2 large eggs
4 large egg yolks
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup white balsamic vinegar
3/4 cup water
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup unsalted butter (that's 1/2 stick)

For the topping:
Fresh summer berries of your choosing.  The first time I made these little lovelies was right around Independence Day, so I stuck with strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries, with a basil leaf for garnish.  Go crazy and experiment with different berry choices, ask your friendly produce guy or gal what the freshest berry in season is at the time. You won't be disappointed with summer's bounty if you just do a bit of research, scout's honor!

What to do:

For the crust:
Combine flour, sugar, and salt in your handy dandy food processor; pulse for about five seconds. Add butter (make sure it's cubed and chilled, that part is important for a mealy crust) and pulse until a coarse meal forms.  Add egg yolks and cream.  Pulse until moist clumps form.  (Don't over do it, heat from the processor will cause the butter to melt, forcing you to scrap the whole durn thing and spring for the cupcakes).  Success!  Now gather that beautiful dough into six little balls (careful not to overwork, too much gluten does not a flaky tart dough make).  Press the dough balls (hee hee hee...I don't know why, but the phrase dough balls always makes me laugh...try it next time you're stressed...and you're welcome in advance) into 6, 4 inch removable-bottom tart shells.  (Now I know what you're thinking... removable-bottom tart shells, we just entered the "way too fancy for my skill set" territory.  Don't worry, I promise this recipe is super duper easy.  You can find these specialty pans at Bed Bath & Beyond...and they aren't even fancy enough to be in the beyond section!  If you prefer you can even buy one large 9 inch pan, just cut the dough recipe in half)  Once the dough is evenly pressed into pans pierce the dough all over with a fork (this allows steam created in the cooking processes to escape and ensures a flat surface to deposit your pastry cream) and chill for 1 hour.

While dough chills, preheat oven to 375.  Dough goes straight from fridge to oven (no lolly gagging) to bake for approximately 22 minutes or until golden.  If the crusts start to bubble just coax it back into the pan with the back of a fork, no harm no foul.  Remove from oven and allow to cool.

For pastry cream:
Yes, I am aware of how fancy the term pastry cream sounds, but trust me it's easy, way easier then the version I had to master in culinary school.  Stir cream and cornstarch in a medium bowl until cornstarch dissolves.  Add eggs, egg yolks, and vanilla; whisk to blend.

Boil vinegar in a heavy medium saucepan until it has reduce to 1/4 cup, around three minutes.  Add 3/4 cup water, sugar, and butter.  Stir until butter melts and return to a boil.  Gradually whisk vinegar mixture into the egg mixture (this is called tempering, go slow, if you go off the rails and dump it in all at once you've curdled your eggs...and I think we know what that means...cupcakes). Return combined mixture to the pan and back to the heat.  Whisk until the custard thickens and boils, about 1 minute (don't turn your back at this point and cut the heat as soon as you see boilage).  Ok at this point you have options, assuming you were good little students and didn't scramble your eggs you are ready to let the pastry cream chill.  If on the other hand you went ahead and answered the phone, barking dog, or screaming kid in that last step and your pastry cream is lookin kinda lumpy then strain it...see you won't need those cupcakes after all, because unlike BP, I built in a failsafe...your welcome! Spread the pastry cream into that beautiful tart shell and cover and chill for at least 3 hours and up to 1 day.  Make sure when you cover to press the wrap all around the pastry cream to prevent a scary skin from forming on top.

For the topping:
You can arrange the berries up to six hours ahead of time, just keep in mind that a particularly ripe berry like blackberries or raspberries may tend to leach a bit of color onto the pastry cream, but it will still be delicious. Tap into your inner artist and go to town decorating those little puppies.  The fancier you get the the more ohhs and ahhs you'll receive...and just wait until you taste it...who knew vinegar could be so delicious!

This recipe adapted from Bon Appetit Magazine, July 2004 issue

But First...an Explanation

My loyal and loving readers (ahem...all three of you) I must apologize for my week long hiatus.  Not exactly how I'd envisioned launching a blog.  I was a busy bee last week serving my civic duty as a juror on a very nasty murder one trial.  The highlights included being escorted out of court in a paddy wagon, a renegade domestic bird attempting to make its courtroom debut, and one, count it one, free lunch.

My favorite moment came well before jury selection when I overheard this conversation:

Disheveled man approaches juror information desk 

Desk attendant: "Sir, was your juror number called?"

Disheveled man: "Ummm, I don't know, I had to go home to change my pants."

In or out of context this is perhaps the funniest conversation I expected to hear at jury duty.  Sadly that was the last laugh for the next 120 hours.  It was an interesting case that regrettably the state will have to retry.  I hope the jurors get it right the next go-around.  It would be a travesty to let this guy walk free.